ANOTHER EPIC STORY by Keith Marin.
This is not the greatest story in the world, no, this is just a tribute.
Aunty Mary does not exist. Nor will she ever, as my grandaprents have well and truly passed the reproductive stage in life. Thank God.
Aunty Mary is an imaginary character (oh gosh, I hear you say, Keith does not write fictitious stories!). She lives in a little detached cottage just 10 millimetres to the right of my medula oblangata. She is small and incredibly hairy. In fact, she beat Cousin It in last year's World Armpit Hair Championships. Unfortunately, she was beaten in this year's contest by the entire population of France.
One day, I was sitting at home, minding my own business (watching Bargain Hunt) when a voice began to emanate from my left nostril.
"Keith, Keith," it said.
"What, what?" I said.
"Can you stop picking your nose, I can't see the TV! it fumed.
"But you're imaginary," I retorted.
"So?"
"Well, why would you want to watch TV?"
"Well.....why would YOU?"
"Ooh that's deep Aunty Mary."
"I know, I watch a lot of the Jeremy Kyle show."
"oh," I said.
"Do you think I'm fat?" she said.
"Oh, no of course not Aunty Mary, what makes you say that?"
It turns out that Aunty Mary had visited the county fair (located in my larynx) and eaten some candy floss, She had gone home, high on sugar and decided that pink was no longer a good colour for candy floss and she was going to change the world by altering it from pink to blue.
She found retarded smurf (not seen in the TV series, as he was locked in Papa Smurf's basement) and smushed him up in a blender, along with lots of sugar. Then, placing him in one of those swirly candy floss machines, she made blue candy floss! Yay!
But then she ate too much and got fat.
Moral of the story: squishing retarded smurfs is not politically correct.
